Don't Pass The Pepper

“Flatkicks Nimley is writing another rule because I can’t take it any longer!”

If you already know and adhere to this rule, that example status update probably makes you cringe like hearing fingernails on a chalk board.  If not, let me explain…

So you have a Facebook account and use it regularly to let people know your every move.  Who doesn’t want to know you’re making coffee, just picked up an avocado at the store, or accidentally washed your darks in hot water?!  This is important stuff!  Obviously, people are soooo interested in keeping up with you that they are compelled to read every status update you post.  But why must they also be forced to put up with your grammatical inconsistencies?!

Basically, if you use your name to begin your Facebook status (e.g. “Flatkicks Nimley is…”) you are locked into the 3^rd person!  End of story!  You must now refer to yourself using the correct pronoun for the remainder of your status.

Here are some examples of how this works:

INCORRECT Facebook Stati

• “James Duckett is sick because I drank chunky milk.”
• “Jill Lambert and my mom just watched The Notebook again.  It’s our favorite movie!”
• “Donnell Jones loves his MacBook Wheel and it only took me 5 minutes to type this!”
• “Brenda Hart is wondering… should I take vitamins or Vicodin?”
• “Carla Smits is playing scrabble. Anyone want to play me?” (Don’t think you’re off the hook because you start a new sentence!)

CORRECT Facebook Stati

• “Brent Simons took his dog to his neighbor’s yard to poop.”
• “Keith Kensey was disappointed to find out that his beer belly is actually a giant tumor.”

Keep in mind, this rule only applies when you use your name to begin the sentence.  Many people choose to simply start a new sentence and their names become more of a label for the status. This is completely acceptable and allows you many more options for your status:

• “Sally Botch NKOTB concert here I come!”
• “Tim Brooks Why is it warmer in the mountains than it is in the summer?”
• “Ami Grant My aardvark totally peed in my shoe again! lol”
• “Solomon Shill The weather seems to be changing on a seasonal basis.”

Now you can confidently let all of your friends know your plane was delayed 15 minutes, how busy you are, or any of the other really important things in your life that they would love to hear about.

“Flatkicks Nimley just dropped some knowledge for the betterment of humankind. Now he’s going to take a nap.”