Don't Pass The Pepper

“Flatkicks Nimley is writing another rule because I can’t take it any longer!”

If you already know and adhere to this rule, that example status update probably makes you cringe like hearing fingernails on a chalk board.  If not, let me explain…

So you have a Facebook account and use it regularly to let people know your every move.  Who doesn’t want to know you’re making coffee, just picked up an avocado at the store, or accidentally washed your darks in hot water?!  This is important stuff!  Obviously, people are soooo interested in keeping up with you that they are compelled to read every status update you post.  But why must they also be forced to put up with your grammatical inconsistencies?!

Basically, if you use your name to begin your Facebook status (e.g. “Flatkicks Nimley is…”) you are locked into the 3^rd person!  End of story!  You must now refer to yourself using the correct pronoun for the remainder of your status.

Here are some examples of how this works:

INCORRECT Facebook Stati

• “James Duckett is sick because I drank chunky milk.”
• “Jill Lambert and my mom just watched The Notebook again.  It’s our favorite movie!”
• “Donnell Jones loves his MacBook Wheel and it only took me 5 minutes to type this!”
• “Brenda Hart is wondering… should I take vitamins or Vicodin?”
• “Carla Smits is playing scrabble. Anyone want to play me?” (Don’t think you’re off the hook because you start a new sentence!)

CORRECT Facebook Stati

• “Brent Simons took his dog to his neighbor’s yard to poop.”
• “Keith Kensey was disappointed to find out that his beer belly is actually a giant tumor.”

Keep in mind, this rule only applies when you use your name to begin the sentence.  Many people choose to simply start a new sentence and their names become more of a label for the status. This is completely acceptable and allows you many more options for your status:

• “Sally Botch NKOTB concert here I come!”
• “Tim Brooks Why is it warmer in the mountains than it is in the summer?”
• “Ami Grant My aardvark totally peed in my shoe again! lol”
• “Solomon Shill The weather seems to be changing on a seasonal basis.”

Now you can confidently let all of your friends know your plane was delayed 15 minutes, how busy you are, or any of the other really important things in your life that they would love to hear about.

“Flatkicks Nimley just dropped some knowledge for the betterment of humankind. Now he’s going to take a nap.”

There is an incorrectly used phrase that seems to transcend social class, education level, age, and IQ — “I could care less”. I’ve heard it spoken by politicians, professors, and executives alike as they carelessly attempt to state their lack of concern for a particular matter.

Obviously, people use this phrase when they do not care about something. They intend to claim that they care so little that it is not possible for them to care less than they currently do. As such, they could NOT care less.

This rule falls under a more general rule, which is that we should pay attention to what we say! Think about the words you choose and their meanings. And if you hear someone say “I could care less”, make sure you reply, “Well great! Then you care!”

And if you’re wondering why I nitpick regarding language or any of the other rules on this site, well, it’s because I could care less.

Contrary to popular opinion, the salt and pepper shakers are not an inseparable couple. Although most of their time is spent together during non-dining hours, when mealtime arrives they are each capable of complete autonomy.

Why complicate things?

When I politely say, “please pass the salt”, the salt is precisely what I expect to receive.  If you pass both the salt and the pepper, I am required to forgo my initial plan to efficiently transition from receiving the salt to salting my food in one smooth motion. Now I must first place the pepper on the table before proceeding. And depending on the shakers, I might even have to use two hands to receive the pair of them.

There will be no confusion if the salt and pepper remain separated.  If someone later asks for both the salt and the pepper the diners nearest to each one will gladly hand them to you.

This is an instance where conventional etiquette leads to less efficiency, particularly because the salt is used far more frequently than the pepper.  It is true that the requester must remember to append the phrase “and pepper” to his request when both the salt and pepper are needed, but that is a small price to pay in comparison to requiring everyone to unnecessarily haul around twice the weight and number of objects each time someone asks for the salt.

Exceptions

• This rule is not applicable when the salt and pepper are housed in a single unit.
• If the salt and pepper shakers are housed in a single holster that can be easily lifted and passed, it is okay to pass the entire unit.